why?

first of all, let me just start out by saying that my mom celebrated a very happy birthday yesterday. we went out to dinner and just enjoyed a nice quiet evening. mom, i hope all your birthday wishes came/come true and here's to many more celebrations. i feel bad for not writing last night; my intentions were to journal the days' happenings, but i fell alseep with the computer on my lap in bed! guess i was more tired than i thought. i have not been feeling well either, so i'm sure that had a lot to do with it. i have no voice and a very sore throat...oh and today, i started with this terrible cough. wonderful!

i worked at sophie's school again on thursday and friday. that's always fun. the kids keep a person so busy so the days go by really fast. sophie was very well behaved and went about her work like i wasn't even there...good job sophie!

so, today i went to counseling, took sophie to dance, you know...just our usual saturday kinda day. however, as i sit here and write, my 82 year old nana is at community hospital's emergency room awaiting the results of her ekg, chest x-ray and blood work. she had been feeling a little lightheaded and nauseous. i would have taken her, as i was the only one home with her that could drive, but as we were getting ready to leave, one of my aunts drove up and after hearing that i was sick, offered to take nana instead. so now, i am getting updates via texts and phone calls. this waiting game is not fun. please keep her in your prayers that God touches her body and takes away whatever is ailing her.

you know, it is at times like this that one sits back and reflects on all that is important in life...and all that is not. i've said it before, but i'll say it again. life is just too damn short...plain and simple! we should be enjoying life, people that we love, things we enjoy doing. instead, for most of us, the negativity and criticisms bring us down and keep us from enjoying life. i have promised myself over and over again not to let anyone bring me down. after all, it's what i've been going to counseling for, right?! i am somebody and i matter. i want to surround myself around positive things and people, for living my life like i used to will not allow for any personal growth. this is exactly how satan would want it, but i have to mold my life in a way that God would be proud and be a Christ-like example to others. this is my personal prayer; i need to take care of me if i am to be of any good to someone else, but mostly my daughter. I just ask that at this time, you keep nana in your prayers. pray for her strength and for our family. we can always use the prayers, but need them especially now.

love to all!
c

oh how i wish...

lately, i have been wondering what my life would have been like had i made better choices. what if i had gone to a different school, what if i had chosen a different career, what if i met and fell in love with someone for all the right reasons instead of all the wrong ones, etc? you know how sometimes people ask you, "if you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?"...well my answer to that would be, with the exception of my beautiful daughter, everything. that is a no-brainer for me! i am so angry at myself for choices i have made in the past. i was being selfish and immature and i wasn't even consulting with God to see what He would have me do. can i just say that, by taking full control of my own life and royally failing at it, i have learned a very valuable lesson? as a result, i have hurt others and myself. now i find myself in a place in my life where i never thought i would be. i find myself longing for things i never had (my own house and car). yes, i know those are just materialistic things, but to be able to call something or someplace my own...well, that would make me so proud. i want to be the best person i can be for sophie and for myself. i am going to strive to get there no matter what.

on a much happier note, sophie had a great day at school today. when i dropped her off this morning, i was unexpectedly asked to stay and help in the classroom, as they were short on staff due to doctor appointments. once again, i got to experience her day firsthand and she behaved so well. i am very proud of her and i hope we can keep this up.

well, goodnight and let's do this again tomorrow!

i made dinner!

yes folks, you read that correctly. i gave nana the night off and i had dinner duty tonight. on the menu was tamale pie and a green salad. this is the second time i have made tamale pie and tonight it was especially tasty because i added more cheese this time around. i don't know about you all, but i love me some cheese! it was pretty good, if i may say so myself.

so, i heard that sophie had another rough day at school. the morning drop off went well; it wasn't until they had to come in off of the playground that the drama started. what can i say? the girl loves to swing on the swings, but when the bell rings, the fun has to end. we had a nice long chat tonight and i hope it was enough to put an end to that behavior. so hopefully from here on out, her teachers will hear "ok, i'll line up" instead of "I don't want to line up...i still want to play on the swings!" i'll keep my fingers crossed for that one. please pray for sophie to remember her "listening ears" at school.

in addition to cooking dinner, i have been on this cupcake kick lately. i don't know what it is, but they're just so easy and fun to make. i've been experimenting on different ways to frost and decorate them. i have to say that it seems like good "therapy" for me. if i had money, i would be looking for a different therapy of the retail kind. i believe the cupcakes are a nice substitute and are probably saving me a lot of money.

as i leave you tonight, i would like to request prayers for my job search and for everyone's health. i would also like to give thanks for the cool weather; i absolutely love this time of year. oak glen, here we come...well, soon anyways.

as promised...

i have a follow-up to sophie's first day at school. she did eventually settle down after about an hour (!) and then went about her work. she did her reading boxes and wrote out the words "ax", "map", "pan" and "fan". she also helped a fellow classmate with his reading. she enjoyed outside play and ate up most of her lunch. she took a good nap (she probably tired herself out with all that crying) and then woke up to work on her reading again. on the way home from school, she and my mom stopped by to pick up aunt "kiki". much to their surprise (yeah right), kiki had to stop at the grocery store. sophie must have been hungry because she requested chicken stars from carl's jr. she wanted to search the purses of my mom and kiki to see who had money for her food. while they were in the drive-thru line, sophie observed the octagon shape on the menu speaker and wanted to know why it was not colored in like a stop sign and why it said "order here" instead of "stop". ok, now she is reading random stuff like "order here"?!! this little girl is too much! well it's nice to know that her schooling is paying off. i am so proud of her and her accomplishments thus far. she is one smart cookie!

hello...is it me you're looking for?

ok, while i channel my inner lionel richie, i will attempt to update you on what has been going on in my life since our last "chat". believe it or not, i am still jobless! i knew this recession was bad, but seriously?!! i have applied for several jobs now and my cover letters to these prospective employers are starting to sound just short of desperate. aww heck, who am i kidding? they're getting there people and it's soo pathetic. the Lord is giving me a heavy duty lesson on patience, that's for sure. i know that my trust in Him needs to remain steadfast. i feel that this experience is humbling me and has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life thus far. as i approach the age of 35 this october, i feel the need for change. i have to thank a cousin of mine for this as she is doing the same in her life. you might even say that she has inspired me. her need for change (or the realization that change was necessary) came in the form of a trip to Israel. Although a trip to Israel would be very life changing and awesome, i personally don't NEED it in order to realize the need for change in my life. Each of us have done things or said things that we aren't necessarily proud of. a mistake is defined as "an error in action, calculation, opinion or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc." The way i view mistakes are all that and more. My life mistakes have been life experiences that have taught me so much. if i had not made these "action errors", i would not have even realized my personal need for growth...yes, even at the age i am at now. my failed marriage, my choice of [some] friends, negativity (both given and received), even my need to love and be loved came with a hefty price. i have learned that life is just too short and i would rather surround myself with more positive influences/things. for now, i am at peace and am at my happiest being a single mommy. sophie has filled a void in my life and the joy she brings me is so overwhelming at times. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve this joy, but it's what God knew i needed. i love to spend time with her; in fact, this past week, we spent a lot of time together as her school was closed in preparation for the upcoming school year which started today. it started with a trip to san diego. while we were down there, we saw michael buble in concert and made a trip to the san diego zoo. oh and if you are wondering who "we" is, it's my nana, mom, one of my aunts, sophie and myself. we never get away for a vacation, so this little weekend getaway was a much needed and very enjoyable treat! a good time was had by all. of course, our week would not be complete without a trip to my home away from home...disneyland!!! that is my happy place; the place i go to in order to get away from it all. some people can't understand why i frequent that place so often, but when i'm there, i can forget about all my worries and frustrations and just enjoy who i am along with my daughter. we also ran little errands here and there and started back to dance after a little break. in all that, we also made sure we had time to just stay home and relax. during this time, sophie developed a really bad cough and sore throat. the latter of the two eventually went away, but that stinker of a cough is still lingering. i hope she recovers from that soon. i really dislike seeing/hearing her sick. it breaks my heart! well, i guess that's all for now. i'll try to write later and let you all know how sophie's first day back at school went. she had a rough morning when i dropped her off, but i'm sure she settled down eventually and had a good day (fingers crossed!). for now, i leave you with this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
~Reinhold Niebuhr

one step closer...

so i recently found out that i passed the initial screening for a position with the courts...yay! i now need to take a typing test and a basic clerical assessment. my appointment is next wednesday, the 30th; please keep me in your prayers that all goes well. i really need to go back to work.

two for the price of one

this may be a record...two posts in one day, but i just had to share this news. i received an e-mail stating that i had made it past the initial screening process for a position i applied for with the courts. please keep me in your prayers as i move to the next step, a typing test and basic clerical analysis.

what a zip-a-dee-doo-dah kinda day

today we went to kylie's 2nd birthday party. it was ladybug themed and my cousin becca sure did deliver! good food and a great time was had by all. there was a jumper with, as sophie calls them, "palm-palm"trees, crafts for the kids and cupcakes...yum! the birthday girl received so many wonderful gifts. since they say a picture is worth a thousand words i'll let them do the talking for me...enjoy!

the "palm-palm" tree jumper

kylie, the birthday girl


artists at work

cupcakes

"happy birthday to you..."

"i got what i wanted...

...mom and dad, you can do the rest!"

regret with a capital "R"

have you ever been frustrated or angry with someone, but you take it out on someone else? that happened to me tonight. would it be safe to say that my months of counseling have gone out the window in mere seconds? i would have to say "yes" because instead of responding, i reacted. i reacted in such a way that i have never reacted before, especially towards this one individual, and i wish i could take it all back. as i am writing this, tears are streaming down my face because i feel like the worst person in the world right now. i would have broken down earlier, but it's easier for me to put up my walls. after all, i've been doing that for YEARS. i do regret how i treated this person, more than anyone could ever know. i don't think i have ever apologized for something as much as i did tonight.

going bananas

once upon a time, there was a girl with big dreams. then life happened. now, in the midst of a pending divorce, the lack of a job, car and a place to call her own, she finds herself feeling quite "stuck". in case you are wondering...yes, i am talking about me. i know there is a light at the end my tunnel, but it's pretty dim right now. i came across this quote by Mother Teresa that states, " I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much". that pretty much sums up how i am feeling at this time in my life. however, though my way out (light at the end of the tunnel thing) may seem unreachable, i am so blessed with other things. for one, i have the most beautiful daughter that brings such joy and life to me. she is 3 going on 23 and is soooo smart! she recently moved to "the big kids class" and you would swear she's been in that class for months. she is now learning the pledge of allegiance and i was informed that she wanted to dance it rather than just recite it. is it her fault that it's set to such a catchy little tune? what can i say? the girl loves to shake her groove thing. along with my daughter, i also have a rather large extended family that loves me, faults and all. i have to be honest and say that there are times when i feel like an outcast, even within my family. maybe it's because i am no longer working on a marriage or maybe it's because of choices and decisions i have made in the past. whatever it is, i sometimes feel left out or like i don't belong amongst certain people. i know, it's silly that it bothers me. i just need to accept that no matter what i do, i am not going to be included in all things "family" and that i can't take it personally. that can be hard sometimes, especially when i've been told that people do talk about me and my past situations. what's a girl to do? people can say what they want and think what they want, but i know that my life mistakes, or experiences, have made me aware of things i did not even know about myself. these mistakes have not "killed" the person i was meant to be; they only made me stronger and more aware. one day, i know this fairy tale i call life will have its happy ending. for me, it's already begun. i have omitted the things/people in my life that were bringing me down. i have turned a new leaf which is something i never thought i was capable of doing. now, my head is high and the future looks promising. with my daughter by my side and my faith in an all-knowing God, i know i cannot fail.

Oh my...!

Today, I volunteered to help out at my daughter's school since they were a little short on help. Boy, am I worn out! Keep in mind that I used to work in a preschool for about 10 years. Don't ask me how I managed then because it's tough work...twenty-six 2- and 3-year olds? WHEW! My mom (who is the director) asked me how it was going and I told her that I didn't remember it being THIS tough. Things have definitely changed since I was in this profession about 7 years ago. Some kids these days are so much "busier" and more defiant! I could not believe how many times I heard the word "NO" when these children were asked to do something. I do my best to raise my daughter to have proper manners and she really does an awesome job MOST of the time. There are times that she forgets...it's to be expected with a 3 1/2 year old and I don't expect her to be perfect all the time. I find it "funny" though that after only half a day in this environment (again), you can totally tell which children are taught to respect their elders and which ones probably rule their household. I've got to hand it to the gals at the school, and to teachers everywhere. It takes a special kind of person to take children, young and not-so-young, and mold them into respectable young men and women. As they say, a teacher touches a life, and a heart, forever.

just another manic monday

So here we are...another Monday. Back to the early morning routine of getting my little monkey ready for school. I hope to be back in the swing of things as far as work is concerned. I've applied for an opening with the courts, so please pray for me that it all works out. If I am a candidate for the position, I should hopefully hear something either this week or next. For now, it's housework with my nana; i think she appreciates the help. I do hope to make it out to Disneyland sometime this week. I am so excited for "Summer Nightastic" down there at the resort. There are some fun and exciting things taking place starting this Friday. Well, that's all I've got for now. Stay cool!

1 down...2 to go

Top pic: George of the Jungle

Bottom pic: Surfin Safari

Plummer Auditorium

Sophie and her friend, yes the one
she would later take the prop from.

There's that personality!

On Saturday, June 5, my daughter dazzled family and friends alike with her dancing. It was Sophie's first dance recital with Webby Dance Company and she did an awesome job! I know my description here won't do it justice because she did some things that you just HAD to see in person. Her first dance "Surfin' Safari" was so delightful and started off great. About halfway through, Sophie was hit on stage because the girl next to her would not move when they were supposed to. She took it as Sophie pushing her and reacted. As they say, the show must go on and Sophie just kept on dancing. It could have gotten pretty ugly up there, but Sophie had a goal in mind...MUST FINISH DANCE. Towards the end of the dance, the girls were supposed to grab a pair of oversized sunglasses, put them on and do their end pose. Well, Sophie was left scrambling for her prop and her only choice was to grab the only pair left on the opposite side of the stage...or so we thought. She casually walked up to the girl next to her, took them off her face and proceeded to finish the dance the only way she knew how...sunglasses on! Like I said...this girl had goals! It was quite hilarious and I am just glad that her friend and "dance partner" was as gracious as she was.

Her second routine was the gymnastics one to the tune of the old cartoon theme song "George of the Jungle". Again, some remarkable moves were enjoyed by all, especially Sophie's silly walks. The whole audience got a kick out of her and laughed at the entertainment she so willfully provided. I could not be any prouder of her at that moment. For those of you that don't know my daughter that well, Sophie marvels in the fact that she is one unique little girl with a personality as big as a mountain. For those of you that do know her, well this should not surprise you at all...she's just bein' the typical Sophie that we all know and love.

After her recital was over, she was showered with beautiful flowers from her Oma, auntie Gloria and me. Her nana gave her a ballerina princess Cinderella doll. We all went out to eat at Mimi's; it was a perfect ending to a most entertaining night. For now, we are done with recitals until July, hence the "1 down...2 to go" title of this particular blog. Up next? How about some boot scootin' fun and a romp with the king of the jungle? Can't wait!!!

Good evening all! As most of you know, my daughter Sophie, is taking dance classes. Tonight was her first ever dress rehearsal for her very first dance recital. She is definitely following in my footsteps and tonight she made me very proud! It's not easy getting up on the "big stage" and dancing in front of a crowd for the first time, but she did an awesome job...you could swear she has been doing this forever. At age 3, that's pretty impressive...not one single tear or sign of stage fright! Her jazz dance is "Surfin' Safari" and her gymnastics routine is "George of the Jungle". In her gym routine, the girls all do a forward roll, but not my Sophie! She would rather do "silly walks", as she calls them. Everytime I watch this routine, she always psyches me out by preparing for a forward roll, but crouches over for silly walks instead...what a SILLY girl ;o) I am so excited for Saturday's show. The family will be there to cheer our little dancer on...Gooooo Sophie!!!